There are some things in life that you just dread. When you think about what you have to do, the anxiety kicks in that voice inside your head whines a continuous loop of “but I don’t wanna…”
I’ve noticed a change in how I look at those things lately and am acknowledging a fundamental shift in how I approach my world and my have tos.
Exercise
In my last post I put into words my new found enthusiasm for my recent fitness adventures. It’s still there! New perspective makes all the difference. Now that it’s become something I do for myself, instead of something I avoid at all costs, I appreciate the practice itself and enjoy the afterglow even more.
When I am out there running into the sunrise, I smile as the sweat pours down my temples and neck and realize that I am running because I want to, and quite simply because I am able to. When I come up for air between strokes in the pool, I treasure the sound of nothing but splashing and my own breath. I’m not thinking about distance or speed, I’m just glad I’m there in the first place.
When I exercise, it’s not because I have to, it’s because I get to.
Spirituality
I cannot even count the number of years where I viewed going to church as a chore, something I put just below biology homework or walking a neighbor’s dog in the pouring rain. My mom would drag me, and I’d protest heatedly. I didn’t get anything out of it and going just to go seemed a waste of time. Eventually, even on Christmas, I just refused to go, and she stopped persevering. I did not want to go, it felt like something I had to do.
In the last year I have sought to find my heart a spiritual home, in a completely different type of community. Here, everyone is welcome. The songs we sing together bring me back to a more pure appreciation of humanity. The focus is not around guilt or sin or rituals that feel irrelevant to me, but rather on peace, tolerance and service.
These days I don’t have to go, I get to.
Career
I often hear about the “Sunday Night Blues” phenomenon …well I have been there and lived to tell about it. It’s the dark hours at the end of a weekend, when you feel an overwhelming full-body dread when you realize you have to go back to the office on Monday morning and soldier through a bunch of work you don’t even like doing.
I breathe a huge, grateful sigh when I realize I haven’t experienced those feelings in over 3 years. It took some soul-searching, some scrappy initiative and some luck but I am thankful that I have created a space for myself with meaningful work in a field that is persistently evolving. I love what I do, that’s no secret. But I also love watching other people embrace their expertise and personify their passion; my hair stylist, our daughter’s teachers, the manager of the bagel store, even our insurance agent. These people love their jobs with complete abandon.
I have arrived at a place where I don’t have to do this work, I get to.
